A friend of mine recently turned 38. The night before, I treated him to sushi. He proceeded to order a really nasty sushi roll – must be an American thing -, the “mother of all sushi – a giganto roll with a smaller roll on the inside all kinds of shellfish -, and a spicy tuna roll. Knowing I wasn’t going to probably like those two very nasty-Americanized sushi rolls, I ordered a 10pc sashimi and spring rolls. The girl didn’t understand that I wanted them all brought out together so the sashimi and the spring rolls came out as appetizer, as listed on the menu. Noted: be more specific than, “Please bring them all out together.”
While the sushi chef was making the gawdawful sushi, my friend quickly finished his half of everything. I was already getting highly annoyed by this time so I was very please with my Apple Sake – it was highly needed.
The “mother of all sushi” came out with the tuna roll (please noted spicy tuna roll was ordered) and was literally the size of a baseball (maybe a softball). I tried one and it was awful. I’m not a fan of crab or anything that isn’t “flakey” and there was cream cheese in it. It was super awful – don’t ever get it. Finally the other thing came out, again I ventured to try it… It wasn’t as bad as the “mother of all sushi” – but I still wasn’t eating it. Don’t get me wrong, I love fish-sushi rolls and great Japanese concoctions. I lived in Japan for 3.5 years, I know what good sushi is and that fried crap is not
When I was paying for $80 sushi that I really hated, it was noted we would be going to Office Depot for XYZ and I wanted to go to Sam’s primarily for a hotdog but I wanted to get toilet paper and look at a mattress. Between Office Depot and Sam’s there was a Starbucks break and then a “gamble” which meant I didn’t get to go to Sam’s. I DIDN’T GET MY FUCKING $1.70 HOTDOG AND ORANGE SODA after spending $80 on sushi that I really didn’t eat… Nice.
The day of his birthday, I get the bright idea of finishing my home office. This meant I had to create/build my desk, repaint the walls, buy the carpet, and get to Lowe’s in order to do all of this. I found a fabulous cake recipe online and I needed to go to the grocery store for ingredients.
At 7am I ventured off dump trash, spent 2.5 hours at Lowe’s, picked up a package at the post office box, bought the cake stuff I needed, and also bought cake decorating tips and disposable pastry bags. In such a good mood I got a hotdog bagel and raspberry lemonade and texted my friend how freaking excited about this cake I was.
Around 11:30 I got home and started making the cake. I had to wait a half hour for the eggs to get to room temperature. I turned down the thermostat, too, because I read sometimes the kitchen is too warm to properly make the frosting. While the eggs were warming, I masked off my office to repaint the walls. Unfortunately, it started raining and I was unable to paint the rest of the day due to bad lighting.
At noon, I mixed the cake together. I had to carefully put the batter into the ice-cream cones because I knew it would burn if I didn’t. Just in case, I made 3 extra. Everything went into the oven but never for the time recipes require; the cones were in the oven 20 minutes instead of 15 and the cakes were in there almost a half hour instead of 23ish minutes.
I put the cakes on a wire rack and started to fuss with the frosting, which I knew was going to be the most difficult part. I had whole milk (so gross) warming on the stove and nine yolks with some sugar in the mixer. SLOWLY I had to dump the almost boiling milk into the egg mixture hoping I wouldn’t get scrambled eggs. I did not! Success!!! Then I beat the whole thing for awhile. Apparently too much because the custard was a little too airy – it was almost like eggwhites for meringue.
Since my custard was so airy, it took an exceptionally long time for it to reach 175 degrees when I put it back on the stove to finish cooking. Two phone calls later, I popped it in the fridge for a little over an hour while I prepared the butter for the custard-buttercream.
During this whole process my friend kept asking me when it was going to be done. This might have been partly my fault because I said I was excited to do it. But finally, it was getting really obnoxious. He was turning 38, who cares? Like I get it’s your birthday but to have me take you to dinner, friends take you out, me make a huge elaborate cake, and you to go out again on the night of your birthday… it’s not like you’re turning 40.
I put together part of my desk and then went to mess again with the cake while the custard was still cooling. I cut the cones in half, I put all the butter in the mixer, I leveled and then halved the cakes, and I got the chocolate and the cookies ready for the rest of the recipe.
When the custard went into the butter, I noticed the butter was far too soft even with my house on 75. The icemaker came out of the freezer and the whole thing dumped into the my sink for a water bath. The mixing bowl carefully placed into the water to cool off the butter on the sides to thicken the custard-buttercream.
Once cooled custard-buttercream was split into 3 parts: One with crushed cookies for the filling between the layers, one with chocolate for the ice cream cones, and one with plain for the top and sides of the cake. I put it all together and told my friend it was done. He texted me he would be by in a bit.
AN HOUR LATER I was pissed beyond belief. I needed to run errands – more supplies for my desk, I wanted some wine, and damnit I WANTED MY HOTDOG FROM SAM’S. A little over an hour, I got in my car and left texting him, “I’m tired of the power struggle. The cake is in the fridge. Gift is on the counter. Door unlocked. I’m running errands.”
1. He texted me all “rah rah” that he’s into birthdays. He didn’t need an elaborate fantastic cake for turning 38. Wooooooooo – 38. 2. I’m not putting my life on hold. It literally took me FOUR HOURS, actually longer, to make the damn thing. Maybe you should take your ass over when it’s done?
And then I got childish – AND I DON’T CARE – I wouldn’t answer his texts. He tried calling and I said I wasn’t playing the power game, I was running errands, and hung up. He kept calling after that for about 10 minutes. I didn’t want to hear his shit on my voicemail so I answered the phone and just let him listen to my air conditioning. I know, not the most mature thing… but I spent FOUR HOURS on this damn cake when I wasn’t even into the occasion. I called a friend of mine from HS and we talked about the completely random stuff going on in our lives. Good times.
My friend and I are no longer talking. I should have some caveats to this story, however. I did text him early in the morning and ask if I could use his car. When he called me back almost 2 hours later, I was already at Lowe’s and trying to get him to pick up my plywood. He was hungover, I was annoyed, and the conversation wasn’t very good. The second is while I was deleting the texts he sent me in the evening he said he was watching a movie. This is something he MIGHT have wanted to tell me earlier in the day or even after I was like, “Hey! Come over. Your fabulous cake is done,” and I got the, “In a bit” text. WTF is “a bit.”
Eh, whattheeffever. I did get my wine, stuff at Lowe’s, and a mattress and hotdog at Sam’s… I forgot the toilet paper. Ah well.
